Introduction

“Can you turn it off?”, “Why don’t you go play outside?”, “Haven’t you played enough for today?”, “That’s it, time for bed”, “Can you please listen for a second?”. Sounds familiar?

I’m writing this guide out of exasperation and frustration toward some episodes that I witnessed both personally when I was growing up and as an outsider looking at how some parents are handling the video game habits of their kids. I have always been so displeased with the deceiving and very poorly scientifically-backed image portrayed by medias that video games are supposedly encouraging aggressive behavior, unsocial attitudes, unhealthy lifestyle and that are overall a waste of time.

I am a software developer. I graduated from college with a BS in Computer Science and a minor in Electrical Engineering. I am getting married this summer, I played volleyball in college, I play ice hockey in my free time, I hang out with friends on Saturday nights and I have been practicing Aikido – a non-violent defense-oriented martial art – for 5 years. I have been playing video games of all kinds since I was little (4 years old). In the early years my parents tried to stop my compulsive desire to play video games quite unsuccessfully and it is saddens me that 15-20 years from then, little or nothing has changed.

But rejoice and hail, for I today will try to give you a few important tips that will hopefully improve your ability to handle your kids’ video game habits. Keep an open-mind while you read the following paragraphs and be prepared to invest some time. Otherwise simply join the rest of the parents that have taken extreme measures such as banning play time, menacing consequences of unacceptable behavior and impose the “I said so” doctrine. The choice is yours.

Become an authority

If you want your kid to respect you as an authoritative person, you need to show proof of authority. It’s very easy to show such proofs when you are dealing with everyday’s life, because you have years of experience to your advantage. You have been driving cars for years, so you are the authority on cars. You have been providing meals, so you are the authority in the kitchen when you say that  “today we are not eating french fries”. But what is your authority on video games?

Let’s be honest, you might be the kind of person that has never played video games in your life or it has been a long time since you last played one. Your kids know that. I know I did. My mother never knew what I was talking about when I referenced spells, mana, HP, achievements, ultimates, imaginary worlds and such. She would roll her eyes and look at my father, whose last video game he played belonged into an 80s arcade room.

Kids are smart to realize that a parent has to do what parents have to do and that parents don’t have much time for video games. However, it can be very frustrating and extremely annoying for them to hear a parent that is not knowledgeable about video games to dictate what is the right time to stop playing. Or to criticize that they are wasting time. Or to menace of taking away the source of the “problem”. Kids know that such parents do not even know what is the subject they are making rules about, yet the same parents pretends to remain unchallenged.

If you are not knowledgeable about video games, but you try to impose rules or shoot opinions on them, how can you expect your words to be believed, even by a 5 years old?

Before you can impose rules on video games, you first have to understand them.

Here’s a few tips on how to do it.

1. Take some time to actually play the video games that your kids are involved with. That does not mean you have to become a grand master. Simply go through the first level or complete the tutorial of the game. This is a quick way to gain insides about the game play, the terminology and the objective of the game.
2. Ask your kids for help. Ask them to show you how to play. And be prepared to receive very inaccurate, fast and confused instructions. Kids do not have the patience to show you how to play a game. Plus, as a parent figure, you should be the one teaching them, not the other way around! Take whatever instruction they give you and learn the rest yourself (you can probably do it very quickly). Do NOT insist on them showing you the ins and outs of the game, they are going to get frustrated. Do NOT ask them how to use the controller, learn that by yourself.
3. Be open-minded and ready to learn. For some parents it might be embarrassing to admit that they don’t know something. This is the time your kids are going to be the experts in a field you know little about. Consider them as such. They will seem to talk gibberish at first. Not very different from the first time you started learning a new subject in school. Do your research and do your best at learning their language.
4. Share with them something they might not know. Kids do not generally take the time to read the instructions. Even fewer take the time to look up information about the game on the internet. Read the instructions, research the game on the internet and find things that your kids do not know, then share your knowledge with them. Often they will already know what you have to share with them (and they will remark it!). Do not bombard them with obvious tips, or they will get frustrated. Do not get discouraged and try again later until you find something they did not know. Engage with their game and try to start a conversation. This takes time and patience. Slowly they will start to recognize you as a knowledgeable person in the field.

Be consistent and spend at least one hour every weekend. This process is going to take some significant effort on your part. The video game industry evolves at a very rapid pace and the only way to keep up is to get involved.

Play with your kids!

Games have never been more social, unless you single out your kids to play a single player game. Purchase games that offer a multiplayer capability (most do) and play with your kids! It’s a great bonding experience and it helps to develop leadership, cooperation and communication skills. Beat that, TV and movies.

Make sure you do not play at their rhythm. Kids can play for hours without eating, drinking, standing up or using the bathroom. Take frequent breaks (by pausing the game) and use each occasion to teach your kids about moderating their usage of video games. Tell them that games can be paused or saved. Tell them that they can always get up to get a glass of water or take the time to eat a snack without losing their progress.

Ending a game session

Do not ever, ever, ever, simply tell your kids to quit a game. Not without first giving them enough time to save their progress or reach a check-point. You can do so by giving 20 minutes, 10 minutes and 5 minutes warnings. That’s usually plenty of time for them to estimate the best time to save the session and quit the game.

Set up an automated schedule

Video games are a good past time, but there are things that have priority such as schoolwork or study time. Kids (and adults) often lose track of time while they are engaged in a video gaming activity. Make sure you setup an automated schedule for allowed game time. Most gaming consoles offer a way to control the times and days of the week when the system can be used and when it cannot. For computer games I highly recommend https://www.timesupkidz.com/. It might be a headache for a parent to keep track of a schedule, but an automated system is inflexible and the kids will be forced to respect it.

Keep an eye for inappropriate contents

But do not be paranoid. There is a very gray definition of what “inappropriate content” is and to what degree it extends in a video game. Make sure you do not buy an R rated game for your elementary school age kids, but do not ban a video game just because you think it is too violent. Ask other parents what they think, ask your kids how much they value the video game. To deprive your kids of a video game that might be very popular in school could cause them to be isolated and/or derided. I am not going to give a definite description of what should be considered OK, but use your judgement wisely and be open-minded.

Have fun

Learning about video games, playing them with your kids, teaching them about moderate usage, setting up clear rules of allotted game time are all ways to build a relationship based on a mutual exchange of knowledge and respect. Plus, it can be a way to have a lot of fun.